When you’re running late for school and work, and your little one doesn’t feel the urgency, what do you do?

It’s hard to remember you’re the adult and in charge when the clock is ticking and your child is dawdling and your heart is racing as you try to get her out the door on time.

Does your response sound something like this?

“If you don’t get your shoes on this instant, you’ll be sorry!”

You may get cooperation, but you won’t get respect. Because this is a power struggle that you will win now, simply because of your size relative to the child. But as they get older, they’ll eventually learn to ignore your requests or become defiant.

And beware of bribes

It may seem that bribery is a more positive approach. But offering a reward for cooperation is still a form of manipulation. In order for them to learn independence and self-esteem, they need to learn how to make responsible choices.

It can also backfire if they get the idea that they should receive a reward every time they do something you want them to. And they won’t learn the intrinsic value of doing the right thing just because it’s the right thing to do.

What works instead

Even with the youngest children, the Golden Rule applies. Interact with them the way you hope other people would interact with you.

A better approach than threats or bribes is to keep in mind that they are individuals with their own way of seeing the world. As children, that viewpoint is necessarily restricted to their limited experience. As adults, it’s our job to help them expand that picture.

One way to do that is to give them the “why” behind the request:

“Pulling Kitty’s tail hurts her and makes her sad.”

“In this house, we don’t tease others, because it’s unkind.”

And offering choices teaches them to make decisions on their own:

“Would you rather set the table or empty the dishwasher?”

“Do you want to put on your shoes now by yourself, or do you need me to help you?”

It’s hard to stay calm and in control when your kids are pushing the limits and refusing to cooperate. But if you can manage it, you’ll not only build a stronger relationship with them but also raise more successful adults.