Team Parents

“Don’t argue in front of the children,” is an admonishment many parents may have heard at one time or another.

As a psychologist, I know the wisdom in this advice, but after many years working with families, I don’t believe in giving parents a hard time simply for disagreeing about how to deal with their children’s behavior — conflict between partners over parenting issues is common and to be expected.

What is important for parents to learn is how to deal positively with these differences through good communication. Communication allows parents to work together as a team and thus minimizes the impact of any conflict on their child’s development.

And why is this so important?

Because children do best in a stable, predictable, caring home environment where conflict is low, communication is clear and disagreements are resolved without recourse to anger, violence or repression.

Of course working as a team isn’t always easy. Each parent brings to the relationship their own beliefs, values, expectations and skills. They are influenced by childhood memories of their own parents, their life experiences, the opinions of relatives and friends — even what they may read about in a daily newspaper!

It is understandable then that parents will have different ideas about how to raise children and how family life should operate.

It is also difficult to work together as parents when a couple’s relationship may be strained by the day-to-day demands of a family, particularly if children are young or their behavior is difficult to manage.

But that’s no reason to be pessimistic about the prospects for a united parenting front.

I have seen many couples over the past 10 years learn new ways to work together on parenting issues, look after their relationship, and use specific problem solving steps to resolve disagreements. These parents were able to present a consistent approach in the way each of them responded to their child’s behavior and so made the job of parenting less stressful and their family life more enjoyable.

One of the keys to working well together as parents is to support each other. For example, if your partner is managing a problem behavior, you can support them by following through with discipline. Better to back up your partner than to interfere by coming to the rescue or taking the tough guy role.

If you are unhappy with the way your partner has handled a situation, wait until it is over and find a time to calmly discuss what happened. Remember though, that talking and sharing your ideas effectively involves also listening to your partner’s points of view and acknowledging that you have understood them correctly.

Bad communication habits to be avoided when discussing parenting issues with your partner include raising your voice, interrupting, being sarcastic, not listening, and talking over each other.

It also helps to put aside a little time each day to talk together about your partner’s day, especially where only one parent has been with your child. Talk about pleasant, fun things that occurred as well as any problems. And remember to praise and congratulate your partner when you think they’ve done a good job.

PARENTING TIP

Sometimes one parent can be unhappy in a relationship without the other knowing. If you are unhappy, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, because otherwise you face the risk of this stress affecting your relationship with your children as well as your partner. It may be difficult for you to talk, but plan a time where you will not be interrupted by your children and try to speak calmly about how you feel without dumping on your partner. Seek professional advice if you find yourself unable to resolve the problem.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON?

Every day, our society becomes more perplexing to me. I question many of the values being promoted and espoused in America in 2015; however, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: the importance of family.

Family is something we hold dear. That hasn’t changed. We need the support system it provides. Even individuals from dysfunctional families appreciate the beauty of building a new paradigm of family for their own children.

Valerie Hall firmly believes in the power of Red Ribbon Week. Hall, Interim Dean of Students and Criminal Justice Professor at Florida Memorial University (FMU), is passionate about delivering the “Love Yourself. Be Drug Free.” message to FMU’s diverse student population in her classroom and school wide. With the full support of FMU President Dr. Rosalyn Clark-Artis, Hall organized Red Ribbon Week activities for students at the University. No stranger to prevention, Dean Hall has worked with Informed Families for the last seven years to deliver healthy messages to youth in the South Florida Community.  

Although school holidays are a great time to relax and rejuvenate they can also be stressful for parents searching for ways to keep children “amused”. So here are my top five tips to survive the school holidays.

Tip No 1: Sit down with your kids and plan activities that they can look forward to. Make a list of free activities, activities they can do at home, and activities with a budget. Check your local papers or log the internet to see what’s happening in your area. Put the full list on the fridge and refer kids to the “activities at home” section when you’re hit with the “I’m bored” syndrome!

Tip No 2: Organize a holiday budget and discuss this with the children. It’s important for children to understand that you don’t have a bottomless pit of money and that, in fact, you don’t need lots of money to have fun. You may like to plan some activities with a dollar tag attached but there are plenty of free activities in parks, museums, and libraries.

Tip No 3: Don’t fall into the trap of “full time entertainer”. Children need to learn to amuse themselves and to find interesting and fun things to do in a safe environment. Depending on your child’s age you may need to help them start an activity but don’t take it over. And remember, it’s important to show an interest when your child is busy and absorbed and not just when they’re bored and seeking an audience.

Tip No 4: Set ground rules for computer and TV use such as turn taking and time limits. Although it’s ok for children to watch a little more TV or use the computer more often during the holidays, it’s important that children have a balance of indoor and outdoor activities. Set a time limit and monitor programs and computer games. If turn taking is a problem, set a timer and allocate a time limit for each child.

Tip No 5: It’s easier to look after children’s needs if we also look after our own needs as parents. Set aside some child free time. Organize a play at a friend’s house or enlist the help of relatives to give you a break. If our own needs as adults are neglected, it’s much more difficult to be calm, patient, and consistent with our children.

The 2014 Florida Youth Substance Abuse Survey reveals that 85% of middle school students and nearly 63% of high school students are not current users of alcohol, tobacco, or illicit substances including marijuana, inhalants, club drugs, as well as the non-medical use of over-the-counter or prescription pharmaceuticals. Thus, 3 out of 4 Florida students in grades 6-12 don’t drink alcohol nor use drugs.

The best news is that the 2014 results continue a 10-year trend of alcohol and drug-free youth rising 12.5 percentage points for middle schoolers and 10.7 percentage points among high school students since 2004. Alcohol use declined 4.1 percentage points and cigarette smoking decreased 1.7 points between 2012 and 2014. Use of marijuana and all other drugs stabilized with no statistically significant increases across the same two years.

The Florida Youth Substance Abuse Survey was administered in February 2014 with a sample size of 65,917 sixth through twelfth grade students from all 67 Florida counties. The margin of error is less than 1 percentage point for middle and high school prevalence rates.

We would like to thank everyone who participated in Red Ribbon Week! It was a truly successful celebration of the Red Ribbon message. We would like to give special thanks to our Ambassadors, who dedicate so much of their time to help us keep kids safe, healthy, and drug free!

Below we have highlighted some of the photos we have received from our Ambassadors throughout the state of Florida. We encourage all of you (if you have not already done so) to submit your pictures and feedback through the Red Ribbon Campaign Review Form.

Marijuana legalization is a hot topic with huge implications – and now Floridians are faced with voting on Amendment 2, although many of us don’t understand all the legalese. Watch the webinar below, "Don't Let Florida Go To Pot," to learn more about Amendment 2, and it's implications!

We would like to thank our wonderful panelists, Peggy Sapp, Susan Kelsey, Sheriff Demings and Karen Bailey for joining us for this webinar. We would also like to thank the Florida Sheriffs Association for partnering with us to deliver this important message. They are all doing a great job in promoting prevention in their communities!

As Election Day draws near, “medical marijuana” has become a hot topic, and many have asked me about my position concerning constitutional Amendment 2. That’s simple:  I am personally against the amendment because I know it is a ruse that will create defacto-legalization of marijuana in Florida. The amendment supporters are counting on those of us who are compassionate and who want to help the very sick, to ignore the very real negative consequences of legalization. 

Positive parenting aims to promote children's development and manage children's behavior and emotions in a constructive and non-hurtful way. It is based on strong, nurturing relationships, good communication and positive attention to help children develop.