Picture this.

Son asked father if he could have a party.

Father said, “yes.”

Father asked son if he could help with the planning.

Son said friends were taking care of it.

Two DJs came to set up for party in the back yard.

Running with half a dozen buddies in the early morning on New Year's Day, I asked a friend what she and her teen-aged children had done the night before. "Just stayed home and played Parcheesi," Danielle said. "Then the kids and I started to watch a movie, but I fell asleep on the couch in the living room."

"My kids and I stayed home too," I replied. "We played Dominoes and then they baked something that was almost edible. But I'm leaving out the word 'just.' I'm happy to hang out with my wife and children. The kids will be grown and gone soon enough."

As we trotted over tree roots on our way down toward Matheson Hammock, another running buddy joined the conversation: "You supercilious prig," Lynn began. "Not only are you living in a cave, you are harming your kids by not letting them go out from the damp, dark confines in the side of a cliff."

WHY SMART KIDS DO DUMB THINGS 

11 Wesleyan University students were hospitalized on Sunday after overdosing on Molly, a “pure” form of ecstasy or MDMA, which has increased in popularity among teens in recent years. Two of these students are in critical condition.

"I think that's why it's so shocking because it feels like that could never happen to anyone that you know," Emma Soloman, a Wesleyan freshman, told Connecticut news station WVIT. "It's like no one is going to overdose, you know? Because it's so common, but then when it's in that grand of a scale, it's scarier."

According to the most recent National Survey On Drug Use & Health, about one in eight 18-25 year olds have used MDMA in their lifetime.

When did ecstasy become so “common” on college campuses? How do we protect our children from unhealthy and dangerous norms? Furthermore, how can we equip our kids with tools that will help keep them safe, healthy and drug free when most kids do not believe bad things will happen to them?

Sitting inside a semi-darkened room, eyes fixed on a brightly lit screen, hands clutching a small plastic console while thumbs and fingers move in a blur of complicated movements may be some children’s idea of ultimate fun, but as parents we know that our children need to have a good mix of physical and mental pursuits to fill in their time after school.

The traditional view of children out in the backyard laughing while running around playing games is indeed a good antidote for too much indoors computer time, but we need to also remember that an interest in creative arts such as music, dance, drama, painting, drawing and sculpture are just as important to our child’s development.

DOES ADVICE DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD? 

From the moment our children are born, we are faced with decisions, both important and mundane. Do we breastfeed or formula-feed? Cloth or disposable diapers?

Perhaps one of the most common and important concerns parents face after we have a child is HOW TO GET THE BABY TO SLEEP! So we turn to family, friends, experts, bloggers, books and even if we aren’t looking for help, people frequently offer unsolicited advice!  And what do these sources tell us? Tons of conflicting advice. Even today’s “latest research” can contradict yesterday’s “latest research.” Here’s an excerpt from a hilarious blog, entitled “I Read All The Baby Sleep Books,” by Ava Neyer.

 “You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc. to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately… Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, carseat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the carseat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, carseat, stroller, or wear them.”

Is that a riot or what? Talk about “Analysis Paralysis.” That decision alone can make any of us crazy if we don’t just listen to our instincts. WHAT DID PARENTS DO LONG AGO when they couldn’t read or access this information? Do parents know more than they think but are afraid to trust their inner knowledge?

As Malcolm Gladwell shares in his book, Blink, experts (and I would add, parents) often make better decisions with snap judgments than they do with a great deal of analysis.

So, does advice do more harm than good? I would argue, “no,” as long as we put it in its proper place instead of letting it overwhelm and confuse us.

As a mother and grandmother, I can tell you that decisions affecting our children (and grandchildren) do not go away and over time as children get older, the issues can become even more complicated. Sure, we can always benefit from hearing different people’s perspectives and sharing our own with others (that’s part of the fun of being in a parent peer group), but ultimately, we have to listen to ourselves. The answers, if we listen closely enough, are usually within.

Sincerely,

Peggy

PS. If you take one piece of advice from me this month, let it be to Lock Your Meds; secure your medication, take regular inventory to be sure nothing is missing, safely dispose of unused meds and spread the word to family and friends. There’s a prescription drug abuse epidemic in our country.

 

3 Ways To Prevent Your Kids From Lying

Lying — it's something politicians are often accused of doing, something most adults do at sometime or another in the form of a ’little white lie,’ and something we don’t want children to do.

So why would your child lie? The consequences of telling the truth might have something to do with it. If a child tells the truth and believes they will be severely or unfairly punished, they may learn to avoid punishment in the future by lying. It is important to separate the consequences of lying from the consequences of what happened.

Children can also learn how to lie simply by watching other children and adults. If children see others getting away with lying, they may be tempted to try it themselves. In other cases lying serves to gain attention and approval. Your child may tell stories to other children to be seen as ‘cool’ by their friends. Children who tell such boastful lies may also be lonely, bored, or have low self-esteem.

That said, it’s obvious we need to know when children are lying so we can intervene to teach them not to. That’s often the hard part though — when are you sure your child is not telling the truth? Younger children can sometimes give the game away themselves. They may tell a story that just doesn’t sound right, or the child may break into a smile as their hastily concocted plot unravels.

A few simple questions can help reveal a lie, although a rigorous interrogation is likely to be interpreted as a threat of punishment and will not help the situation. For example, querying how your child came to have $10 in their pocket might include some calm, clear questions about when, where, who was with them, or the order of events.

Here are three ways to prevent your kids from lying:

1. To discourage lying in children parents need to discuss the problem with their children. It is important your child knows that lying is unacceptable, but it is equally important for your child to understand some of the effects of lying. You might like to briefly and calmly tell your child how lying affects you and why you think it is a problem.
   For example:“Tania, I feel angry and disappointed when you lie. It makes it hard to believe anything you say. If you keep telling lies, you will find that nobody will trust you.”
2. You can also give your child opportunities to be honest and reward and praise them for telling the truth. This gives your child a positive response to their behavior and they are more likely to repeat their honesty in future. Try telling them that you will give them opportunities to be honest and try it out occasionally. For example, if you know that they haven’t yet cleaned their room, ask them. You will know immediately whether they are being honest or not.
3. If your child is finding it hard to learn not to tell lies, you might need to set up a written contract signed by both yourself and your child. This contract should state what you expect your child to do and the rewards and consequences that will follow. Put the contract up on the refrigerator to help avoid getting into a debate with your child. If they have lied, the consequences for that behavior are clearly listed in the contract for all to see.

As your child learns to not lie, you will no longer need a written contract as you and your child will have established a more permanent contract of trust.

PARENTING TIP

If your child owns up to doing something they know you would not have allowed them to do make sure you praise them for their honesty, before you deal with the misbehavior. No matter what else has happened they should be rewarded for telling the truth.

IS THE PACE & STRUCTURE OF LIFE MAKING US CRAZY?

It’s December again and we are rushing around in a frenzy. We have gifts to purchase and wrap, parties to attend or to host, trips to plan, lines everywhere in airports, stores, on hold on the phone, traffic to fight, work to finish… on and on and on. WE ARE STRESSED BUT WE ARE CREATING OUR OWN STRESS!!!!

With all the things we are trying to achieve in our personal, family and professional lives simultaneously, we are succumbing to our unnoticeable addiction to technology. Have a free moment? Check your phone. Stopped at a light? Check your inbox. Waiting in line? Visit Facebook.

Does this describe you? If not, I commend you and encourage you to keep up the good work. For those of us who I’ve just described, I have a great solution that doesn’t cost money or require much time. Stop holding your breath, relax, release and breathe.

Give yourself the gift of disconnecting from all the technology and the “doing” and take some time each day to just sit and breathe. Invest your energy in appreciating the people around you and all the wonderful blessings you have in your life. Spend technology-free time with your children – play a board game, visit a park, take a walk, work on a puzzle, make cookies or just sit and talk. Everything else will be waiting for you when you return to your hectic life.

From all of us at Informed Families to you and your families, I wish you very happy, healthy, meaningful and stress-free holidays. We appreciate you and your unwavering support for helping kids grow up safe, healthy and drug free. Remember, Love Yourself!

Sincerely,

Peggy

 

Team Parents

“Don’t argue in front of the children,” is an admonishment many parents may have heard at one time or another.

As a psychologist, I know the wisdom in this advice, but after many years working with families, I don’t believe in giving parents a hard time simply for disagreeing about how to deal with their children’s behavior — conflict between partners over parenting issues is common and to be expected.

What is important for parents to learn is how to deal positively with these differences through good communication. Communication allows parents to work together as a team and thus minimizes the impact of any conflict on their child’s development.

And why is this so important?

Because children do best in a stable, predictable, caring home environment where conflict is low, communication is clear and disagreements are resolved without recourse to anger, violence or repression.

Of course working as a team isn’t always easy. Each parent brings to the relationship their own beliefs, values, expectations and skills. They are influenced by childhood memories of their own parents, their life experiences, the opinions of relatives and friends — even what they may read about in a daily newspaper!

It is understandable then that parents will have different ideas about how to raise children and how family life should operate.

It is also difficult to work together as parents when a couple’s relationship may be strained by the day-to-day demands of a family, particularly if children are young or their behavior is difficult to manage.

But that’s no reason to be pessimistic about the prospects for a united parenting front.

I have seen many couples over the past 10 years learn new ways to work together on parenting issues, look after their relationship, and use specific problem solving steps to resolve disagreements. These parents were able to present a consistent approach in the way each of them responded to their child’s behavior and so made the job of parenting less stressful and their family life more enjoyable.

One of the keys to working well together as parents is to support each other. For example, if your partner is managing a problem behavior, you can support them by following through with discipline. Better to back up your partner than to interfere by coming to the rescue or taking the tough guy role.

If you are unhappy with the way your partner has handled a situation, wait until it is over and find a time to calmly discuss what happened. Remember though, that talking and sharing your ideas effectively involves also listening to your partner’s points of view and acknowledging that you have understood them correctly.

Bad communication habits to be avoided when discussing parenting issues with your partner include raising your voice, interrupting, being sarcastic, not listening, and talking over each other.

It also helps to put aside a little time each day to talk together about your partner’s day, especially where only one parent has been with your child. Talk about pleasant, fun things that occurred as well as any problems. And remember to praise and congratulate your partner when you think they’ve done a good job.

PARENTING TIP

Sometimes one parent can be unhappy in a relationship without the other knowing. If you are unhappy, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, because otherwise you face the risk of this stress affecting your relationship with your children as well as your partner. It may be difficult for you to talk, but plan a time where you will not be interrupted by your children and try to speak calmly about how you feel without dumping on your partner. Seek professional advice if you find yourself unable to resolve the problem.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON?

Every day, our society becomes more perplexing to me. I question many of the values being promoted and espoused in America in 2015; however, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: the importance of family.

Family is something we hold dear. That hasn’t changed. We need the support system it provides. Even individuals from dysfunctional families appreciate the beauty of building a new paradigm of family for their own children.